everything that's on my mind

I’ve only recently become familiar with David Bazan’s music with his former band Pedro The Lion. I used to frequent a music news website a number of years back whose primary writer was a big fan of PTL. But, being in the days before music was readily available for previewing online via the likes of myspace, youtube, etc., I never heard any of PTL’s music until a few years ago when I came across it on eMusic.

Bazan was a Christian and his music reflected that, although not in the same way that much of the “Christian” music industry does. His songs often revealed the doubt he experienced, and he would discuss hard topics, asking more difficult questions about matters of faith than you will hear on the likes of K-life or Way-FM. (I don’t recall any Michael W. Smith songs about heroin addiction, though I admit I’ve not heard anything from him for years.)

Over the years, some of his questions, I suppose, have become too difficult to answer, or the answers too difficult to accept. This is reflected in his new album, Curse Your Branches, his first full-length solo album. Some have called this particular album a “break-up album”, with the relationship broken off being Bazan’s own with God. And for most of this album, that would seem an accurate representation of the songs. Along with singing about his struggles with alcoholism, he questions God, the Bible, and the church, his doubt on full display. In the opening track “Hard To Be”, he leaves the impression that he’s chosen to leave his faith behind. He’s reluctant to buy into the story of Adam, Eve and the Fall, and eventually concludes he must walk a different path:

So I swung my tassel
To the left side of my cap
Knowing after graduation
There would be no going back

And no congratulations
From my faithful family
Some of whom are already fasting
To intercede for me

However, in a recent article in Relevant Magazine, Bazan himself says he still believes, but he does not necessarily believe in the God he was raised to believe in, the more common or popular concept of God that most people have. It’s difficult to know for sure, because such statements could be seen as contradicting some of his lyrics on Curse Your Branches. While I’ve read mentions of agnosticism regarding Bazan’s spiritual state of mind, perhaps he hasn’t completely lost his faith, but rather refocused it on a God he sees as more believable than who he’s always understood God to be.

Overall, I think I’ve enjoyed this album more than the Pedro albums I own. It’s very well done both musically and lyrically, if a bit heavy and depressing at times.

Here’s “When We Fell” and “Curse Your Branches”:

Sunday I bought Don Miller’s new book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life, and began reading it immediately. I’ve enjoyed most of his previous work and was anxious to check out his newest.

I’m only about a third of the way through the book so far, but Miller was approached by a pair of filmmakers interested in making a movie based on his previous work, Blue Like Jazz. In other words, it will be a movie based on his life, at least to a degree. This book chronicles some of that process, along with the concept of “story” and the role it plays in our lives. Miller wonders if the story his life is telling – the story the film will tell – is too boring, and part of their work on the film involves making his story more interesting. One of the topics he discusses early on is characters: “a character is what he does.”

On rare occasions I am able to sit still long enough, avoiding distractions, and ponder my life. And I wonder if my story is worth telling. Is there a good story there, or, were it a movie, would it drive people to the exits or put them to sleep? I wonder if I’m succeeding as a husband, father, disciple, etc. The truth is, I don’t often feel that I am. I don’t know if there’s a good story there or not. I know that some of it is just lack of confidence, and I’m too pessimistic from the start. But I also know there should be more there. I sometimes read about people who have died, about their life, and I think to myself, “I wish that were my story.”

Last night, before bed, I sat with my daughter and we talked for a good 30 or 40 minutes. She began asking me all sorts of questions, many about my childhood and other family members.

I told her about where I grew up, a place not too far away from here but a place she’s never visited. I guess I’ve never really told her much about where I was raised for most of my early life. We moved to McCrory when I was two years old, and my parents stayed there for nearly 30 years, until they moved to nearby Searcy the month before my daughter was born. I’ve not been back in the 10+ years since they moved. Someday I’ll take her and my son there, and show them where I grew up, the places that were part of my life.

She asked about my grandparents, all of which had died before she was born. In fact, when I was her age, only one of my grandparents was still alive. My grandmother on my mom’s side died when I was in my late 20′s, a few months before I was married and a few years before my daughter was born. I told her some of what I remembered about my grandparents. She told me she felt sad that I didn’t have my grandparents around anymore.

We discussed a few other things before it was time for her to get to bed. Nothing too deep, just random topics that came to her mind. She asked questions and I answered them. Before she went to bed, however, she told me she wanted to do it again tonight. She wanted to ask me more questions.

In the “busyness” of our lives, we haven’t done that enough for quite a while. I realize more every year that time is getting away, and opportunities for moments like these are diminishing. I’m not completely certain what last night’s conversation, or similar conversations to come, have to do with my story or hers. But I have a feeling they’re pretty important. The fact that she’s suddenly interested in the part of my story that occurred before she became a part of it made me feel pretty good. She wants to know my story, even if I lack the confidence that it will be interesting. She’s pretty interested in it, and even wants to hear more. So, maybe it’s not that bad after all.

I’m the primary character in my story. A character is what he does. I hope my story is better, in the end, than I usually feel like it is in the present, and that my character will be one that I will be proud of some day when I look back on it, and one that my children will be better for having heard about and witnessed. My daughter is anxious to hear more. I intend to keep working on it, and determine to make the rest of it better than it has been thus far.

I completely missed Derek Webb’s first disc when he left Caedmon’s Call earlier this decade, and only heard his second, I See Things Upside Down, because I received the CD free. But it was good and I have since become a huge fan. His third disc, Mockingbird, is one of my favorites from the last few years.

On this fifth release, Stockholm Syndrome, you could say – to quote a Byrne/Eno lyric – that “nothing has changed but nothing’s the same.” As the title suggests, Webb contends that the church is a bit too comfortable with the world in which we live. Lyrically, there are the familiar themes of social justice, politics and calling the church to be something more than is generally found in American Christianity. He even includes a song from Jesus to hatemonger Fred Phelps. Musically, however, it’s electronic, programmed sound is unlike any of his previous work. It’s not my favorite kind of music and it didn’t click with me right away. But after listening to it for a couple of months, I’ve grown to really like it a lot.

And then, of course, there’s the controversy, which we’ve come to expect from a new Webb release. In this case, it’s not only the lyrics – in fact it’s probably not the lyrics at all – but a word used in the song “What Matters More.” The song is about Christians’ response to both homosexuality and poverty, about our the church’s tendency to focus on minors instead of majors, but includes the word “shit.” This resulted in problems with his record company and eventually, the song being dropped from the official release (but available on the download from his website, where I obtained my copy.)

The offending lyric:

If I can tell what’s in your heart by what comes out of your mouth
Then it sure looks to me like being straight is all it’s about
It looks like being hated for all the wrong things
Like chasin’ the wind while the pendulum swings

‘Cause we can talk and debate until we’re blue in the face
About the language and tradition that he’s comin’ to save
Meanwhile we sit just like we don’t give a shit
About 50,000 people who are dyin’ today

The line is a nod, I assume, to Tony Campolo, who has on occasion used the following line in speeches or sermons:

I have three things to say today. 1st: While you were sleeping last night 30,000 kids died of starvation or diseases related to malnutrition. 2nd: Most of you don’t give a shit. 3rd: What’s worse is that you are more upset with the fact that I said shit than the fact that 30,000 kids died last night.

It’s a good line, in my opinion, even if it’s been used before.

There are some who’ve argued that Webb’s lyrics tend to lack balance. As one reviewer pointed out, Rich Mullins (one of my very favorite artists) was not afraid to say what needed to be said to the church, but balanced it out with the love and grace of God more so than Webb. But I’m not sure Webb’s lack of balance is necessarily a bad thing. Contemporary “Christian” music has lacked balance pretty much from it’s inception, and maybe it’s okay for Webb to swing too far in the other direction for a while. I have hope that he’ll eventually have more balance, but I have no problem with what he’s doing right now. Rich left us 12 years ago this coming Saturday, and it seems Webb is the only one attempting to fill the hole he left.

If you like Webb for his music, this is a bit of a change, although I’ve enjoyed it a lot. If you like him for his words, then this is more of what you would expect. If you’ve never heard him, I’d recommend Mockingbird first, but this one is more than worth a listen as well.

Here’s “Cobra Con” and the aforementioned “What Matters More”:

A couple of trailers I’ve seen online recently of films I think I’d like to see.

First is a documentary titled Lord, Save Us From Your Followers. The film (and book) sound similar to Kinnaman and Lyons book unChrisitan: What a New Generation Really Thinks about Christianity and Why It Matters, which I read last year.

Documentary creator (and Christian) Dan Merchant traveled the country, talking to hundreds of people about Jesus and Christianity in an attempt to determine what the two meant to people in this country and why they are so divisive.

The primary question these type of efforts seem raise is this: why is the resemblance between Jesus and his followers so often difficult to recognize?

Here is a trailer of sorts for the film (the official trailer can be seen at the official website):

I don’t know if this film will be worth the time or not. I watched Bill Maher’s Religulous earlier this year. While not exactly the same type of film, and coming from “the other side”, so to speak, it was both entertaining and though-provoking. I hope there’s some value in this one as well.

The second film is Creation, staring Paul Bettany & Jennifer Connelly. It tells the life story of Charles Darwin and his controversial work On The Origin of Species.

I recently read a book (Karl Giberson’s Saving Darwin: How to Be a Christian and Believe in Evolution) in which I learned a bit more about Darwin’s life. I was pretty much unfamiliar with him beyond the fact that he authored this famous work. His background of faith was particularly interesting, as you don’t hear much about that growing up in church and/or Christian schools. I just assumed he was an atheist (not true) who was hell bent on the destruction of Christianity (also not true.)

Here is the official trailer:

Unfortunately, it’s not evident whether or not I will get that opportunity, as the film has yet to procure a U.S. distributor. It seems that, not surprisingly, Americans are afraid of the film and the certain (yet unnecessary) controversy that it will create here. However, I suspect in due time it will make it’s way to our shores.

I don’t usually post a “September 11″ post, but I just read an article and wanted to share it.

The article is from the New York Times, titled Explaining 9/11 to a Muslim Child by Moina Noor. In it she shares her thoughts and feelings, as a Muslim living in the northeastern U.S., on attempting to answer the question her eight-year-old son Bilal asked: “Mom, what happened on 9/11?”

The demonization of Muslims in this country has been astonishing over the last eight years. Noor writes about her attempts to explain to others that “we are just like you” and “Islam is peaceful.” I suspect it often fell on deaf ears. I’ve heard and read plenty from those who see all Muslims painted with the same brush as Osama Bin Laden and the 19 that boarded those planes in 2001. Many of them are Christians who, ironically, would distance themselves from extremists in our own camp such as Fred Phelps, Scott Roeder or Steven Anderson. For all of the talk that the Muslim world is full of hate, I’ve heard plenty of it from our own as well.

She writes about her own fears for her child, living in this country at this time:

Since 9/11, I’ve worried how Bilal would feel about his identity as a Muslim living in America. A survey conducted by the Pew Forum on Religion and Public Life appeared in 2007 stating that 35 percent of respondents had an unfavorable opinion about Islam. Could one of those 3 in 10 people be Bilal’s teacher or soccer coach?

Over the past eight years I’ve read about Muslims being deported and pulled off airplanes and mosques being vandalized. My sister, a former middle school teacher in Brooklyn, heard kids taunt a Muslim student on the playground, calling him a terrorist. And even though I fear the possibility of discrimination for Bilal, what I fear most of all is that the din of Islamophobia will rob my son of self-respect and confidence.

I’ve heard many express concern about Muslims living in America. I’ve not often heard them express feeling compassion for Muslims living here who are at least just as concerned about living among non-Muslim Americans.

When we moved into our house four years ago, someone visiting our home observed our neighbors, an Indian family, outside in their garden. They jokingly said, “hey, maybe you’re living next to terrorists.” It was a comment I ignored, although I shouldn’t have. Despite the facetious tone of the comment, I know that there was real distrust there. Everyone from “over there” – even if they’re from a country that is largely Hindu, apparently – is to be regarded with suspicion.

September 11th will always have a prominent place in American history. It will always be a day of remembrance, as well it should, and the thoughts of those tragic events and the people involved will be with us forever. Hopefully, someday soon, the fear and cynicism with respect to our neighbors will not. All Christians are not the same. Neither are all Muslims.

I did try and answer Bilal’s question. I relayed the day’s events in broad cartoonish strokes: bad guys attack, buildings collapse. Don’t worry, I assured him, we’ll get the bad guys so they won’t do it again. As I looked at Bilal in the rear view mirror, I explained that good and bad exists in every group, even your own. I think he understands.

As should we all.

I mentioned yesterday a desire to post weekly on the things I’m reading. I also plan to do the same regarding the things I’m listening to. This will almost always be music, but I may also include other things (i.e. podcasts) on occasion.

In “blog 1.0″, I usually posted monthly on the new music in my rotation, but this time around I’m going to attempt to highlight a single album (again, usually) each week. It will more often than not be new(ish) music, but I will likely reach back into the past from time to time.

Before I start that, I thought I’d share my 2009 mid-year list. I posted this on Facebook in July, but thought I’d go ahead and share it again now that I am using this forum again. I’ve already acquired a few new titles that will change this list at year end, but here’s what the list looked like in July.

(NOTE: I didn’t go back and check out all of the links to see if any are now broken.)

#10: Jason Isbell & the 400 Unit – Jason Isbell & the 400 Unit (2009)
I first heard Isbell on a Drive-By Truckers album a couple of years ago, and enjoyed his solo album last year. But this newest release is my favorite of the three. If you’re looking for some good southern rock, check it out.
Listen to: “Seven-mile Island“, “Good“, “However Long”
 

#9: Outer South – Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band (2009)
I’ve yet to dislike any of Oberst’s work I’ve heard, and this is no exception. At the moment, I think I like last year’s self-titled album a bit more than this newest release, but it is nonetheless another winner.
Listen to: “Slowly (oh so slowly)“, “Cabbage Town“, “Nikorette“
 

#8: Hold Time – M. Ward (2009)
While I owned a couple of M. Ward albums, I didn’t become a big fan of his blend of musical styles until earlier this year with this newest release. It is really fantastic, and it is his best to date. Also enjoyed the appearance of “She & Him” collaborator Zooey Deschanel on a couple of tracks. Listen to: “Never Had Nobody Like You“, “Rave On“, “To Save Me“
 

#7: Seeing Things – Jakob Dylan (2008)
It seems almost wrong to place this album only one behind his father’s, but I have really loved this album from day one. No, he’s never going to be his father, yet I keep coming back to this one over and over. Listen to: “Evil Is Alive And Well“, “Valley Of The Low Sun“, “Something Good This Way Comes“
 

#6: Together Through Life – Bob Dylan (2009)
I never listened to much of Bob Dylan until I bought the Dylan collection a couple of years ago, so I don’t really know how this new one compares to classic Dylan albums. But I do know that, while I might not have had it in my top 10 a month ago, I continue to love this album more with each listen, and it keeps climbing. Listen to: “Beyond Here Lies Nothin’“, “My Wife’s Home Town“, “I Feel A Change Comin’ On“
 

#5: The Hazards of Love – The Decemberists (2009)
The Decemberists are back with a true concept album, including the expected dark and sometimes disturbing lyrics alongside some outstanding music that could have been recorded 30+ years ago. And, while I’m still quite fond of The Crane Wife, I think this is their best to date. Listen to: “The Wanting Comes In Waves / Repaid“, “Won’t Wait For Love (Margaret in the Taiga)”, “The Rake’s Song“
 

#4: Everything That Happens Will Happen Today – David Byrne & Brian Eno (2008)
I listened to a little Talking Heads back in the 80′s, but not much. Byrne’s collaboration with Eno, however, is more than worth a listen. It is an excellent album with influences from multiple styles of music (Byrne actually describes it as “folk electronic gospel”.) Check it out – you won’t be disappointed. Listen to: “My Big Nurse“, “Everything That Happens“, “Life Is Long“
 

#3: No Line On The Horizon – U2 (2009)
As always, I looked forward to a new U2 album, wondering what would come next. What came is probably my favorite since Achtung Baby, which seems to be a common sentiment. There are few bands who have the success U2 did in the 80′s and remain relevant 20+ years later. U2 is one of those few. Listen to: “Magnificent“, “You Know I’ll Go Crazy…“, title track
 

#2: Working On A Dream – Bruce Springsteen (2009)
The Boss is back, and rather quickly, less than 16 months after releasing Magic. Like U2, his ability to continue to produce such outstanding music so late in his career is remarkable. I thought The Rising and Magic were great records, but this is my favorite from his releases this decade. Listen to: “Outlaw Pete“, “Kingdom of Days“, title track
 

#1: 21st Century Breakdown – Green Day (2009)
I somehow missed Green Day’s American Idiot back in 2004, and just got around to getting it earlier this year. After hearing it, I was certain that it was their highest point, that they would never top that album. I stand corrected. I contend that this album does exactly that, and that’s one of the many reasons why it’s my #1 right now. It is an amazing piece of work by a band that has grown significantly since I first heard them in the early 90′s. Get this album today. Listen to: “East Jesus Nowhere“, “American Eulogy: Mass Hysteria/Modern World“, title track
 

That’s it. That’s the list.

I love to read, and wish that I had more time to do so. Earlier this decade, I was managing to knock out about 30-35 books a year. That was a pretty high number for me as I tend to read slower than I would like. I’ve always been jealous of my sister, who can polish off books before I finish the preface. And my friend Scott reads hundreds of books a year, which is just unfathomable to me. But over the last few years, it’s been more in the 14-18 books a year range for me.

As you can see, I currently have a stack of books on my bedside table. This is the stack I’m trying to finish by the end of the year, along with a few others that I don’t yet have or are not yet available. That doesn’t even include the shelf full in my closet that I still haven’t gotten to yet. There are so many books I want to read, but as the years go by, it seems I have less and less time to read.

Nevertheless, with 8 books down so far this year, I hope to at least reach 20 by year end. We’ll see how close I come. I’ve been forcing myself to set aside time to read in the last couple of months and usually do at least a little every day. I’ve managed to finish several books in that time, after getting off to an extremely slow start this year (my first book finished was in April, I believe.) I just started John Shelby Spong’s book The Sins of Scripture last night, reading the first chapter, and am very much looking forward to reading through it.

I mention all of this because one of the things I hope to do with this new blog is post weekly on things I’m reading. I hope to share things I find interesting in a book I’m currently reading, or perhaps articles online or elsewhere, or even scripture. I never had any regular “features” in “Blog 1.0″, and again, I’m wary of making any promises of regularity here, but I will at least make an attempt. My biggest hurdle, no doubt, will just be finding the time. Stay tuned…

Another event happening this week besides my return to blogging is the return of Tony Kornheiser to radio. This is very exciting to a Kornheiser fan like myself, although many will respond to this news with the same enthusiasm as they would to hearing of my return to blogging. (What? Who?)

My first experience with Kornheiser was on ESPN’s weekly program The Sports Reporters, which I’ve been watching pretty much since it’s inception over 20 years ago. Since then, I’ve read his books, watched him daily on ESPN’s PTI program, and listened to his various radio shows over the last 10 years or so. During his time with Monday Night Football, he left radio during the season, but would return usually from February until late June. I was saddened to find out early this year that he would not return this time around.

However, a few months later, Kornheiser left MNF and subsequently announced that he’d be returning to radio. The latest incarnation of The Tony Kornheiser Show began airing this morning on ESPN 980 in Washington, DC. And, of course, I tuned in.

It was great to hear the show on the air again. Tony is not for everyone, I suppose, but he is a favorite of mine. His in-studio partners are entertaining as well, and their input consistently works well with the host. His regular guests have always included people I enjoy hearing discuss the topics they know well – such as John Feinstein, Eugene Robinson, Bob Ryan, Dick “Hoops” Weiss, and, of course, Michael Wilbon, to name a few. It’s not just a sports program, as you might expect, but rather covers all sorts of topics, including sports, music, entertainment, politics, and whatever Tony wants to complain about. And it’s always entertaining.

Today is a good day. Welcome back, Mr. Tony.

It’s interesting, this blogging thing. I thought I’d left it for good, but I can’t quite seem to shake it.

I first decided to create a blog in the fall of 2003. I posted a single post that said little except for a promise that there would be more to come. Turns out that was my lone post for a year and a half. Then, in early 2005, a second post finally appeared. It was as brief as the first and made the same promise: there will be more. But after lying dormant for a good six months, the promise of more to come appeared to have been, yet again, an empty one.

Finally, in August of 2005, I posted again. We had just moved back to Little Rock from north Alabama, and I decided to write briefly about our transition back home. And from there, indeed, more came. I kept it up for three and a half years, posting several times a week on a variety of topics such as church/religion, family, music, books, movies, television, politics, current events, and sports – especially college basketball. I enjoyed it for a long time, but it gradually began to feel like a burden. I felt that I needed to post something pretty regularly or else let it go.

And so, earlier this year, I decided that I would, in fact, let it go. I was done. I no longer had the desire or the time to continue. I’d said what I had to say, and it was time to move on. My intention was for it to be permanent.

However, despite declaring that my blogging days had ended, I still felt pretty confident that eventually the desire to do it again would return. I must admit, however, that I didn’t expect it to return so soon. I’ve thought more about it lately than I have at any time since February, and it is clear that the urge still remains, and seems to have been growing a little stronger each month. I’ve resisted thus far, but finally decided to give it a go once again. Perhaps now that I’ve had a six month break, I can start anew and occasionally say something interesting, and therefore, my hope is that there will again be more to come.

But just to be on the safe side, I’m not going to make any promises.